The other day we had "chatty, happy Maxine" It was wonderfully weird. But because she was feeling so good she was doing crazy stuff like getting up on her own. After doing some crossword puzzles and talking and talking and talking she got up on her own, walked with her walker to the table and then I guess bent to reach something and FELL. I was in the kitchen, the missionaries had just arrived for dinner and Rodger was doing something somewhere. Floyd was the only witness and is not quick enough or strong enough to come to the rescue.
After a quick assessment we decided everything worked and helped her up. She was a bit shaken but still cheerful and talkative. She asked the Elders about their girlfriends and what they were studying. She was definitely engaging.
At bedtime she was sore but okay and made it too bed okay, even if a little slower. While getting in she said to Floyd. "I am so sore. I feeling like I have been skiing for 3 weeks"
About 10 pm I heard a thump and found her one the floor by the side of the bed. Not cool. She needed to go to the bathroom. Another weird thing. She never says that and is never excited about sitting on the toilet and now she is trying to go herself? Scary but good. In the morning Floyd reported that she woke him to take her to the bathroom another time. Also scary because he is almost as unstable as she is. Imagine a little walker train helping each other to the bathroom.
Since then she hasn't been as happy. We are chalking it up to soreness from the fall and are looking for the happy Max to return. She is eating a bit better, and doesn't yell quite as much. This morning was shower day and she wasn't too excited about that. I think she told me that she was "not showering" at least 10 times. But we did it and it went pretty smooth. After the shower while getting dressed she told me again that she was not showering so I told her she was lucky because we were already done.
Tomorrow is church and getting in and out of the care. Those are never fun for her. We will see how it goes.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
It's a Miracle
This morning I went in as usual to greet Maxine. She was talking, I heard only "glory hallelujah" "Hallelujah" I said to myself, ready to start another bathroom, dressing battle for another day.
Then I noticed the look on her face. I went over to greet her. She was pointing up to the ceiling and said, "can you see the flies up there? They are really quite interesting, they are crawling up into the tracks up there" I looked up and said if there were that many flies we needed an exterminator. She continued to look and to smile and then to comment on the flies and how entertaining they were. Then all of the sudden she said,
"That Floyd, he really is neat, he is really a nice man" I concurred saying, he really is. She went on,
"He has the patience of Job, An the something of someone else I can't think of right now" She continued on for awhile, really quite pleasantly and I knew that something was different.
The day went on, we did the shower with out too much fuss and did the hair and the breakfast and the pills. She was a little more talkative than normal and then wow about 10:30 or 11 she perked right up, she began to notice what we were doing and to comment on it. Rodger and I were moving things out of my sewing closet, through the living room to put into the car, she watched with interest.
Later we were working on a crossword puzzle and she was really into it. Trying to fit the words she thought of into the provided spaces, with lots of creativity, I might add. Then she started talking about her old house and that she was sort of sad to leave it after living there for so many years and I had to agree that it had to be tough for her and a big change. She got a bit teary but handled it quite well and continued to talk, ( this is new and different)
After lunch I helped her to the bathroom and she had a little accident. I went in with clean undies and explained to to put them on I needed to talk off her shoes and pants but that we would put them back on and she actually said, "what ever you say", I just about fell over.
After we were finished she said, "what would we do without friends? I said we would be in big trouble. No fighting, no protests, just pleasant conversation. Wow!
Then we were looking at Floyd's phone and I showed he the contacts. I read the names, One was a friend, Krissy, She says, "Krissy, I wonder what she is up to lately". I said, "do you want to call her? She says sure. So we dialed the number. Krissy was not end but she left a message. Great stuff.
The was a short down side, I guess Rodger took them over to the new house while I took my mom visiting teaching and got my hair cut. That didn't go so well and both Max and Rodger were pretty upset when they got back home. But that was short lived at least on Max's part.
Tonight she was all sweetness. She even said that if she could choose, she would choose me. She was talking to Ron on the phone and had a good conversation she even asked him some questions and kept talking to him. I could tell that the call really brightened him up. He sounded pretty beat when I answered but after talking to Floyd and Max he sounded much happier. He sounded even better when he asked if there were still things at the house that he needed to take care of and I said it was all done. Ah, relief!
Dressing, bathroom, teeth brushing all went like a dream! All I can say is that I am a believer in miracles and today was a big one.
Monday, April 17, 2017
EATING
Eating has been a problem. When Maxine sits at the table she looks at the food, after saying "I can't sit in that chair" and says, "I can't eat that"
After repeated conversations, albeit kind and couched and suggestive, about not motivating by fear, Floyd remains ultra concerned that Maxine is not eating enough. He has threatened. "eat that or I will shove it down your throat", complained, "I am sick and tired of this, just eat!", demanded, "Eat" and continued other threats, commands and complaints.
After listened and trying to control myself for a long time this morning and being sort of stressed out because Mary is running the Boston marathon currently and I am having a hard time thinking about anything else, I went out to say something.
Me: "I think we can all relax a little, as long as she eats some things at every meal she will be just fine. She doesn't have to eat everything"
Floyd: "The only reason she has eaten anything is because I have fed it to her"
Me: "Well, eating should be a pleasant experience, perhaps if we just had some pleasant conversation while eating she would just do it at her own pace"
Floyd: "She always does this"
Me: Well I think that eating should be a pleasure and not forced. I think all these demands might be creating some sort of power struggle" I think we should try and make it more pleasant and pleasurable."
Floyd; nothing
I walk back into the kitchen and Floyd says to Maxine, "Now eat! Don't put that fork down until you have finished everything!"
I decided to write about it instead of saying anything else. But while I am typing I hear continued demands. "Keep eating and drink your juice! Can you hear me? Then start eating"
I wouldn't want to do it either and I love to eat.
So the madness continues.
After repeated conversations, albeit kind and couched and suggestive, about not motivating by fear, Floyd remains ultra concerned that Maxine is not eating enough. He has threatened. "eat that or I will shove it down your throat", complained, "I am sick and tired of this, just eat!", demanded, "Eat" and continued other threats, commands and complaints.
After listened and trying to control myself for a long time this morning and being sort of stressed out because Mary is running the Boston marathon currently and I am having a hard time thinking about anything else, I went out to say something.
Me: "I think we can all relax a little, as long as she eats some things at every meal she will be just fine. She doesn't have to eat everything"
Floyd: "The only reason she has eaten anything is because I have fed it to her"
Me: "Well, eating should be a pleasant experience, perhaps if we just had some pleasant conversation while eating she would just do it at her own pace"
Floyd: "She always does this"
Me: Well I think that eating should be a pleasure and not forced. I think all these demands might be creating some sort of power struggle" I think we should try and make it more pleasant and pleasurable."
Floyd; nothing
I walk back into the kitchen and Floyd says to Maxine, "Now eat! Don't put that fork down until you have finished everything!"
I decided to write about it instead of saying anything else. But while I am typing I hear continued demands. "Keep eating and drink your juice! Can you hear me? Then start eating"
I wouldn't want to do it either and I love to eat.
So the madness continues.
We're Working On It
This week has been a series of ups and downs. It started with a vow to only say loving things in a calm and quiet, encouraging way. It didn't take me long to lose it the first time or the second, but there were some minor victories too.
We took Maxine to physical therapy twice this week. After the first visit, Wednesday, in which she was extraordinarily subdued, the therapist suggested strongly that we buy her some good walking shoes. It worked like a miracle. Almost from the first minute she had them on she was walking much more heel toe instead of just on her toes like she has been doing. She has just been wearing bedroom slippers since her accident last year. It makes me wonder why none of her California therapist or doctors had the same brilliant idea.
We got home from PT, just in time to make them some lunch and make an appointment at the new house at 2:00 to sort of think about furnishings, like what things will work and what things won't. We took Floyd because I thought he would love to get out of the house. I tried to find someone to sit with Max but no luck so we left her sitting in the recliner, she was sleeping when we left. I wasn't aware, I guess, that this made Floyd nervous and about as soon as we walked around the house one time he was ready to go. I sort of stalled him for awhile and that was a mistake because he started talking about us bringing his pink leather couches to put in the living room. Noooo! Ron describes them as corpulent flesh that would envelope you when you sit in them. Since he said that, I can only describe their color as flesh, not pink, not tan, just flesh. They are just ugly! (in my opinion)
After that great idea he walked into the lovely office space in just off the front door and said, "what is this room for". I suggested an office or study. He said, "I supposed we could put the fold out couch in here in case someone wanted to stay over. Wow! By then he was tired and really nervous so we left, no measurements taken, no solid ideas. Just a ride home with more bad ideas. I started to inwardly panic about the weirdest looking collection of bad furniture in the world in that pretty new house. These situations are bad for me because I alternate between, "it is his house and it shouldn't matter to me", to. "why am I worried about it anyway?", to "I don't want to have weird stuff in my house at age 61", to "Why am I so proud that it matters?" It is still a struggle. Mostly I am trying to remember that it is their house and I am just going to live in the basement. It is such a pretty house though. . . .
After that I ran to Costco and Big 5. Costco for some groceries for my mom and dad and Big 5 to buy the new shoes for Maxine.
That accomplished I went to my parents house to deliver the groceries and found them both peering into the refrigerator. Unusual. Usually they are both sleeping on the couch in the afternoon. But not that day. They were both digging around in the fridge. I said hi and "what's up". Note the self control, "not waht in the heck are you doing?" Mom said something like, "Look at all this food." I said are you looking for something? Mom said no but "look at all this food, will you help us eat it?" I asked if they were hungry as I had dropped off some beef stew earlier in the day and asked Ana to fix it for lunch, she had sent a text to say that they loved it and they ate it all. It was pretty hearty so I was sort of surprised that they would be hungry. Mom then said that dad was and they were looking for something for him. But she was pretty preoccupied that their was so much food in the fridge and that the Clarks had dropped off a bunch of stuff and "wasn't that nice of them" and why do they do that do you think?" Well I got my groceries put away and we fixed a snack of fruit and cheese and a glass of root beer and got them settled back on the couch. I was thinking about dinner and what I was going to make and that I needed to go make it and that Rodger was going to the church that night and so I would get to do bedtime and I sort of got myself all ramped up.
I was home slamming things around when Rodger came around the corner. I thought he would have left already but he didn't because I wasn't there and when he noticed the state I was in he said he would just stay home and I said go and he said no and that made things worse. He was supposed to meet the missionaries and Br. Kurt Nichol for a discussion and I felt terrible to let my frustration interrupt that. He finally left and I made dinner. He came home, we ate, I cleaned up, he left and I stayed out of the way for awhile.
Maxine was fast asleep in the chair when Floyd started getting ready for bed so I had to wake her to say, "lets get ready for bed"
"No, I don't want to go to bed" she said
"you are just sleeping in the chair, you would be more comfortable in bed" I offered
"No! I don't want to go with you"
"Floyd is waiting for you in bed" I coax
"Floyd doesn't even like me" she says
"Sure he does" I say as a begin to lift her up and we toddle off towards the bedroom. She started veering towards another chair.
"I am going to sit in this chair"
"No you are going to the bathroom and brush your teeth and get your nightgown on" I redirect the walker.
" I am not sitting on that toilet"
"Yes, Yes you are"
"It is too far down"
"No, you have done it many times already"
You get the idea. The other day at the doctor, After the doctor had listened to a different but similarly frustrating exchange she said. "You know it might seem rude, but you don't have to answer her. You can see that it doesn't make a difference if you do or if you don't"
We it does seem rude to me and I did decide to try and act with more love and kindness after the conference broadcast last Saturday so I still answer. But we don't get very far. Finally though the bathroom duty was done, the nightgown on, the teeth brushed, and she still protesting was in bed. One of her favorites is, "Jeanne, why are you doing this to me?" Sigh of relief, and we're done for another day.
Thursday, work was looking like a vacation, and Friday and Saturday. I have a whole new perspective on working. At least my patients there do not come home with me. No matter how rude or uncooperative or whining or abusive, they are just temporary.
I did have an interesting exchange with a cancer patient on Friday night. I was breaking her nurse who reported that she was mean and really grumpy, so grumpy that her daughter had gotten out of there as fast as possible. I went in to check on her fluids because I was supposed to hang another bag. The first, I discovered was still full, the tubing still clamped. (great nursing) So, as I unclamped it and hung a second, I talked to her. She wanted to know what I was doing (valid) and what was going on with her case (valid) she did sound grumpy. She was cold, I brought her some warm blankets and tried to raise some small pleasant talk. Then she says out of the blue. "do you ever meet people who are nice here?" She apologized for being gruff and said that she was just sick and scared and that made her more defensive. It gave me insight and awareness. Maybe Maxine is scared and just doesn't know how to say it. Maybe that is why she is rude and defensive.
Yesterday was conference. I put it on at my parent's and listened before work and on my way and at lunch the talks were great. Elder Hales talked about becoming a disciple. He used Paul's teaching about adding to temperance, kindness and to kindness virtue and to virtue brother love. . . I am paraphrasing of course, but he spoke about each attribute and how incorporating these successive attributes would not only bring us closer to Christ but make us more like him.
It was with this thought that I began "shower day" with Maxine. She really has a thing about showers. Just about every time she sees the shower she exclaims loudly, "I am not getting in the shower". It was no different on Sunday morning. When she protested I tried to say with kindness, that yes we were going to have a shower. She asked repeatedly why I was doing this to her. I explained that after a shower she would feel so much better and that her hair would be shiny and clean and that she would smell good. The protests and assurances went on through the shower and the drying and the dressing. I was holding it together pretty well until. . . I was down on the floor putting on her shoes. She doesn't help too much like a little kid who doesn't really want the shoes on. As I was tying the second one she said. "There is Jeanne with her boobs hanging out" I said they weren't but then I looked down, probably from her perspective and yes, she probably could see right into my jammie top. I took a breath, thought about love a bit, and gritted my teeth a bit. I said that indeed, I had not dressed myself yet, or combed my hair or taken a shower or anything quite yet because I was helping her. It is good that you can't see gritted teeth and hear my clipped explanation while reading. I wasn't perfect for sure.
We did have a Sunday miracle again though. About the time my parents came over she sort of picked up and when they walked in she said "Well hello Lucy, how are you guys doing, so nice to see you". She was pleasant most of the way through dinner and in spite of declaring that she couldn't eat that food, she picked at her plate until the vegetables were gone and some of the potatoes and some of the fruit. She even ate some ice cream. It got a bit weird about then, "Floyd" she says, "I am eating ice cream". Nothing. "Floyd, I am eating ice cream, is that okay?" "yes" he says. She got a little more withdrawn after that. The parents visited for awhile while I did the dishes. They seem to enjoy themselves which is pretty funny because three of them don't hear well and my dad who does hear does not follow conversations well. He did laugh at some funny stories and that was nice to hear.
All and all things ended a bit better than they started. No major blow outs, no major disasters. The house sales are both progressing. We are starting to make some plans for moving.
I will carry on, listening to conference and progressing, watching hopefully until that perfect day.
We took Maxine to physical therapy twice this week. After the first visit, Wednesday, in which she was extraordinarily subdued, the therapist suggested strongly that we buy her some good walking shoes. It worked like a miracle. Almost from the first minute she had them on she was walking much more heel toe instead of just on her toes like she has been doing. She has just been wearing bedroom slippers since her accident last year. It makes me wonder why none of her California therapist or doctors had the same brilliant idea.
We got home from PT, just in time to make them some lunch and make an appointment at the new house at 2:00 to sort of think about furnishings, like what things will work and what things won't. We took Floyd because I thought he would love to get out of the house. I tried to find someone to sit with Max but no luck so we left her sitting in the recliner, she was sleeping when we left. I wasn't aware, I guess, that this made Floyd nervous and about as soon as we walked around the house one time he was ready to go. I sort of stalled him for awhile and that was a mistake because he started talking about us bringing his pink leather couches to put in the living room. Noooo! Ron describes them as corpulent flesh that would envelope you when you sit in them. Since he said that, I can only describe their color as flesh, not pink, not tan, just flesh. They are just ugly! (in my opinion)
After that great idea he walked into the lovely office space in just off the front door and said, "what is this room for". I suggested an office or study. He said, "I supposed we could put the fold out couch in here in case someone wanted to stay over. Wow! By then he was tired and really nervous so we left, no measurements taken, no solid ideas. Just a ride home with more bad ideas. I started to inwardly panic about the weirdest looking collection of bad furniture in the world in that pretty new house. These situations are bad for me because I alternate between, "it is his house and it shouldn't matter to me", to. "why am I worried about it anyway?", to "I don't want to have weird stuff in my house at age 61", to "Why am I so proud that it matters?" It is still a struggle. Mostly I am trying to remember that it is their house and I am just going to live in the basement. It is such a pretty house though. . . .
After that I ran to Costco and Big 5. Costco for some groceries for my mom and dad and Big 5 to buy the new shoes for Maxine.
That accomplished I went to my parents house to deliver the groceries and found them both peering into the refrigerator. Unusual. Usually they are both sleeping on the couch in the afternoon. But not that day. They were both digging around in the fridge. I said hi and "what's up". Note the self control, "not waht in the heck are you doing?" Mom said something like, "Look at all this food." I said are you looking for something? Mom said no but "look at all this food, will you help us eat it?" I asked if they were hungry as I had dropped off some beef stew earlier in the day and asked Ana to fix it for lunch, she had sent a text to say that they loved it and they ate it all. It was pretty hearty so I was sort of surprised that they would be hungry. Mom then said that dad was and they were looking for something for him. But she was pretty preoccupied that their was so much food in the fridge and that the Clarks had dropped off a bunch of stuff and "wasn't that nice of them" and why do they do that do you think?" Well I got my groceries put away and we fixed a snack of fruit and cheese and a glass of root beer and got them settled back on the couch. I was thinking about dinner and what I was going to make and that I needed to go make it and that Rodger was going to the church that night and so I would get to do bedtime and I sort of got myself all ramped up.
I was home slamming things around when Rodger came around the corner. I thought he would have left already but he didn't because I wasn't there and when he noticed the state I was in he said he would just stay home and I said go and he said no and that made things worse. He was supposed to meet the missionaries and Br. Kurt Nichol for a discussion and I felt terrible to let my frustration interrupt that. He finally left and I made dinner. He came home, we ate, I cleaned up, he left and I stayed out of the way for awhile.
Maxine was fast asleep in the chair when Floyd started getting ready for bed so I had to wake her to say, "lets get ready for bed"
"No, I don't want to go to bed" she said
"you are just sleeping in the chair, you would be more comfortable in bed" I offered
"No! I don't want to go with you"
"Floyd is waiting for you in bed" I coax
"Floyd doesn't even like me" she says
"Sure he does" I say as a begin to lift her up and we toddle off towards the bedroom. She started veering towards another chair.
"I am going to sit in this chair"
"No you are going to the bathroom and brush your teeth and get your nightgown on" I redirect the walker.
" I am not sitting on that toilet"
"Yes, Yes you are"
"It is too far down"
"No, you have done it many times already"
You get the idea. The other day at the doctor, After the doctor had listened to a different but similarly frustrating exchange she said. "You know it might seem rude, but you don't have to answer her. You can see that it doesn't make a difference if you do or if you don't"
We it does seem rude to me and I did decide to try and act with more love and kindness after the conference broadcast last Saturday so I still answer. But we don't get very far. Finally though the bathroom duty was done, the nightgown on, the teeth brushed, and she still protesting was in bed. One of her favorites is, "Jeanne, why are you doing this to me?" Sigh of relief, and we're done for another day.
Thursday, work was looking like a vacation, and Friday and Saturday. I have a whole new perspective on working. At least my patients there do not come home with me. No matter how rude or uncooperative or whining or abusive, they are just temporary.
I did have an interesting exchange with a cancer patient on Friday night. I was breaking her nurse who reported that she was mean and really grumpy, so grumpy that her daughter had gotten out of there as fast as possible. I went in to check on her fluids because I was supposed to hang another bag. The first, I discovered was still full, the tubing still clamped. (great nursing) So, as I unclamped it and hung a second, I talked to her. She wanted to know what I was doing (valid) and what was going on with her case (valid) she did sound grumpy. She was cold, I brought her some warm blankets and tried to raise some small pleasant talk. Then she says out of the blue. "do you ever meet people who are nice here?" She apologized for being gruff and said that she was just sick and scared and that made her more defensive. It gave me insight and awareness. Maybe Maxine is scared and just doesn't know how to say it. Maybe that is why she is rude and defensive.
Yesterday was conference. I put it on at my parent's and listened before work and on my way and at lunch the talks were great. Elder Hales talked about becoming a disciple. He used Paul's teaching about adding to temperance, kindness and to kindness virtue and to virtue brother love. . . I am paraphrasing of course, but he spoke about each attribute and how incorporating these successive attributes would not only bring us closer to Christ but make us more like him.
It was with this thought that I began "shower day" with Maxine. She really has a thing about showers. Just about every time she sees the shower she exclaims loudly, "I am not getting in the shower". It was no different on Sunday morning. When she protested I tried to say with kindness, that yes we were going to have a shower. She asked repeatedly why I was doing this to her. I explained that after a shower she would feel so much better and that her hair would be shiny and clean and that she would smell good. The protests and assurances went on through the shower and the drying and the dressing. I was holding it together pretty well until. . . I was down on the floor putting on her shoes. She doesn't help too much like a little kid who doesn't really want the shoes on. As I was tying the second one she said. "There is Jeanne with her boobs hanging out" I said they weren't but then I looked down, probably from her perspective and yes, she probably could see right into my jammie top. I took a breath, thought about love a bit, and gritted my teeth a bit. I said that indeed, I had not dressed myself yet, or combed my hair or taken a shower or anything quite yet because I was helping her. It is good that you can't see gritted teeth and hear my clipped explanation while reading. I wasn't perfect for sure.
We did have a Sunday miracle again though. About the time my parents came over she sort of picked up and when they walked in she said "Well hello Lucy, how are you guys doing, so nice to see you". She was pleasant most of the way through dinner and in spite of declaring that she couldn't eat that food, she picked at her plate until the vegetables were gone and some of the potatoes and some of the fruit. She even ate some ice cream. It got a bit weird about then, "Floyd" she says, "I am eating ice cream". Nothing. "Floyd, I am eating ice cream, is that okay?" "yes" he says. She got a little more withdrawn after that. The parents visited for awhile while I did the dishes. They seem to enjoy themselves which is pretty funny because three of them don't hear well and my dad who does hear does not follow conversations well. He did laugh at some funny stories and that was nice to hear.
All and all things ended a bit better than they started. No major blow outs, no major disasters. The house sales are both progressing. We are starting to make some plans for moving.
I will carry on, listening to conference and progressing, watching hopefully until that perfect day.
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